Time Flies

WOW! its been a while.. a looong while. I've been busy, life has caught me up... there's a thousand excuses I could use, most of which would be true. To be perfectly honest though - I lost the URL location of my blog (so much for becoming IT savvy!!) and I guess I lost a bit of interest and motivation too. Its a bit hard to maintain interest when I know that no one actully reads this anyway...but just in case....

I've struggled with staying positive and its only just now that I think I'm really beginning to kick the butt of some of the internal demons I've been carrying this year. Boy oh Boy 2011 has been tough! Its been a year of lots of personal development and of lots of lows oviously sprinkled with a few highs to set me up for the lows that followed but mostly low moments that I've needed to work through. Hopefully there's been some personal growth with all that - and I mean personal growth that not just I think I can see, but some growth that others can see in me too.

I've had some great support, but I've also identified that some support networks which I thought were always going to be there were not as strong as I'd relied on in the past. As human beings we change. And it is only our absolutely closest friends and loved ones - those who dont judge us on what we do  or who we are, but rather on the friendships or bonds we have with them - that will stick by us when that change happens.

I'd like to Thank my supporters for being there even when I do my absolute best to push you away in a moment of weakness and self doubt. Thank you!

Attempting to Change my Outlook

yes it has been a few weeks. I'm still coughing and still not feeling the greatest. I've been keeping a low profile everywhere and my head has been so screwed up.... excuses I know but I also dont care. 

What to write about now I am here, I'm really not sure..... I cant or rather wont write publically about the things I've been thinking about..... the reason my head is so screwed up. Its too personal to share.

I would like to say on a completly unrelated track that Life sucks sometimes. Why is that the good people get the crappy things and the ones who make others peoples lives crap dont fair so badly?

I know its sounds like such a horrible thing to say but I think having cancer or something that can be treated and cured with treatment is far better than having a genetic thing that has no cure or a non self imposed condition that gets worse with time and can not be reversed.

Here I have been all screwed up in the head and in reality my crap is minor in comparison. It all non consequential compared to the battles that others face.

I'm trying to see some positives; but at this point - I just cant. I need too. I need to focus on the positives in life far more and lately I haven't been. I've been wasting my time on the negatives and they have overwhelmed me... comsumed me even. How do I change my nature. How do I turn a negative outlook on life into a positive one?

Life is way too short. Its time for me to change so I make the most of it.

The Star Sign Prediction

Do you ever read your star sign predictions?  I do - all the time. I love it. I think its a sag thing. I dont always take head and mostly I just read it and then promptly forget. Todays star sign prediction (one of many because I know they are all different and that's why they are ususally crap but anyway...) reads as follows:

..."it's important that you consciously move toward a more optimistic attitude. Put some effort into measuring your progress somehow. "

So. ok. Why did this strike a cord with me today? Well, its sunday morning. I got up and went for a walk - mainly because I was coughing and was concious of waking everyone up. On that walk - which was quite a long one actually, I was thinking exactly that. That I need to start recording the effort. I need too because lately my mental health has been low. Too much stress, too much to think about and too little me time. Its little wonder my health is starting to fail me.

In the last 3 weeks, I've hardly eaten, had only disturbed sleep - usually waking at 4 am and not being able to go back to sleep - had a cold sore that size of a barn, stomach cramps, felt like throwing up for three days straight whilst the other end going non stop and now I have the worst head cold in the history of the world with this dry annoying cough which is making my throat feel like someone is dragging broken bricks over it.

The only good thing is I've lost approximately 3 kgs! Trouble is I know it will find me again... Why is it that the things you want to lose tend to find you again and come back and the things you dont want to lose, tend to be the things that once lost they are lost forever?

Today I'm gratful for the ability to get up and go for a walk. For having three fantastic kids, and a husband that puts up with me... even in my low moments.

ho hum

I've been feeling so "ho Hum" the past few days. At work I'm busy enough but at home I find myself having to work at getting a conversation out of anyone. I just want to sit and talk - perferable an adult conversation and not about the kids, the house or things at work but it doesn't seem to be happening.

Its probably because I have no real interests outside of these things. I'm probably driving my poor husband crazy, trying desperately hard to create a conversation but he's your typical male - always in his cave.

* sigh*

its a pity this blog can not talk back!

Back at Work

Well, the alarm went off for me to get up and go to boxfit but....the new car needs to go to for a service this morning so that gets me off the hook. I do however really need to get into the boxfit mood!

Started back at work yesterday and that was interesting. I was there early, i can be earl on days where I dont have to get the kids out the door. Its nice and easy those days, just get up, shower, get dressed, have cuppa, go to work. It worked out well because it took me 3 1/2 hours just to get through all the emails in my inbox... and that was after I'd put on the "Out of office" so everyone knew I wasn't there! Lucky I have a good system of sorting out all the crap emails I dont even need to read and can just delete them.

I was officially advised that I would be moving over to the other section...A holiday and a change- not often you get that!

Back to work soon

Well. I never thought I'd say this but... I think I'm ready to go back to work. The time off has been sooooooooo good. I don't think I've ever had a holiday where I've sat around the house, doing not so much for quite as long as I've done not so much these holidays. In the past we've usually spent time down with the inlaws and doing not so much down there. But even that is not quite the same as doing not so much at home.

Maybe its the choice you have at home to do not so much. When you're somewhere else sitting around you don't have the choice to do nothing, there just isn't that much to do. Unless you are paying for a holiday somewhere where the sole purpose is to create experiences whilst you relax and take time out. Which if you look at it that way means you're not really taking time out your just changing the scenery and doing something different with your time.

Anyways, its been nice. Its been boring as well at times, but mostly just nice.

So I wonder what awaits me back at work? I do know I'll have alot on with my project ramping up to pilot stage. I think, I have it all in hand... but then again who knows. Most of the time I really dont know what's coming up until it hits me. I dont know what I dont know but I often get to thinking about the next bit, all confused and lost before I work it out. I'd ask more questions but for some reason I tend to hold back until I've worked it out a bit myself. I think this is a confidence thing too. I dont like to look stupid, I like to try to work it out myself, to be independant and show that I'm capable. Which I am - sometimes it just takes a lot longer doing it this way. And when I do ask questions its usually to clarify and question my own thinking anyway... which is not always on the mark.

I'll have to start getting up earlier, or at least start getting ready for the day rather than sitting down to a quiet cuppa, actually eating breakfast and taking my time to get in the shower and wake the kids. Oh and I'll have to think about a time limit for adding to the blog...I've discovered it takes me anywhere up to an hour to type my thoughts out. The blogs may have to become shorter... or be written at the end of the day.... They may become interesting OR they may just become a spot for downloading all the crap stuff that happens throughout the day. I'll need to make a conscious effort to make them positive.

I'll also have to get back to one of the supposed themes of this blog.. the weight loss journey that I keep talking about but need to actually start... Oh and by the way I accidentally broke my promise. The last boxfit class for this week was at 6 am this morning. I'm hopeless at getting up at that time unless I have someone depending on me to be there. Anyone interested in joining me in boxfit at 6 am in the morning??

Comments please people!

Hey you out there - yes you - the one looking at this and reading... I'm feeling unloved and you can help. Let me know that you are reading this and what you think. Either become a follower (but dont expect me to lead) or make a comment even if its under "anon".

Appreciate it muchly

Thanks