The "To do" List

The last few days. I've been thinking of all the things I either needed or wanted to do these holidays. The thoughts come and go but mostly its sticks with "I'll do that one tomorrow". Trouble is the holiday tomorrow opportunties are running out... so I sat down last night and wrote the "To do" list.

Looking at it this morning, I see that mostly the things listed are big ticket purchases that I dont want to inititate just yet.

The one thing on the list that is of most interest is the task to change my mindset. It appears when I'm at home with not much to think about my mind turns to attack me and I start to worry ...

These holidays I've spent a bit of time thinking about the quality of my relationships, past and present. I seem to have the worst history with relationships. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I grew up not trusting anyone. I was the middle child of a single parent family who depended on the handouts of government to get by. Anyone and everyone I got close too or made friends with in any way ended up leaving me in one way or another. It was only a matter of time.

At the moment, my relationship with my mother is at the lowest point ever (and its had some low points) - we haven't spoken since the 10th December. She was in town for a whole month and couldn't take the time or effort to spend some of that time with her grandkids or me, her daughter. I refuse to ring her this time, I simply can not put myself out there again to be hurt, nor can I continue to subject the kids to the hope that one day she'll take an interest in them.. so there goes that relationship (again).

Then there's my brother. We grew up not liking each other much, he was always the baby of the house and got away with everything. He also managed to get everything he wanted. When it got to hard for him to live at home at approximately 15, he came to live with hubby and me just after we were married. We took him in and gave him an alternative and the choice to go back to school. He's never shown any thanks for that but he has complained that we charged him some board. I'm not too fussed about that, that's just him... but a few years ago (well after he'd set up his own life) we had a huge fight and in the heat of the moment I told him to get out of my house. No one gets to speak to me the way he did, or acuse me of being a racist, especially in my own home. In my adult life I've had many aboriginal friends, I've never seen a difference based on skin colour and he took a passing comment with no malice as an attack on all aboriginal people, his wife included, and unfortunately it meant the end of our relationship. Now we barely talk and its always straight down the business line when we do. Once again its the kids who get hurt as they miss out on having that extended family relationship that I so wanted for them.

Now the inlaws (sisters in law - not mother in law) are all upset with me too. When I was down there for christmas they barely spoke to me. In fact, we were asked to stay at a motel rather than at the house. Extra family members were also down but it turned out they had brought thier caravan and so were not actually using the top bedrooms we usually occupy when we're there. Not that I minded that so much, the previous visit was not the greatest. A huge fight broke out about the stepson who had been living with us until he came home drunk a day after hubby was released from hospital from his near death experience. They feel we did him wrong and he had no choice but to go home to his mothers house to live. We have a side of the story that they just dont want to listen to let alone hear. So both relationships - the stepson and the inlaws - are in ruins. Chalk it up to the long list I appear to have.

Other doomed relationships in my life include a long list of school friends. I have always struggled to make friends, I was the one the kids picked on, which I now know was because I was the one who lacked confidence in myself and was looking for them to make me feel happy. I'm thinking that my biggest relationship problem is my lack of confidence in myself, my inability to trust other people, to realise that if they like me now I have to do something before they stop liking me, and I have to stop purposely doing something to make them dislike me so that I dont get hurt, because whether they leave now or later I will get hurt.

The good relationships I do have are because those people accept me as I am. The opinionated, self righteous  - stand up for myself when you cross me bitch that I can be. They accept that I have crazy lady times, where I think that they really dont like me much at all cause there's really not much to like about me. They deal well with those crazy times, and thank god for that, cause in those times I try to push those closest to me away. I give them reasons to leave, cause I know that it's only a matter of time and they'll go anyway so I may as well give them a good reason. Trouble is I also realise that there's only so many times I can have these crazy moments before those people closest to me decide that they have had enough.

And of all the things on my "To do" list, I need to get my crazy times sorted before it costs me everything.

On Holidays

Yes. I've been slack with blogging. I am currently on holidays (again). Unlike the Whooping Cough episode of the past two weeks, this time they were planned. Childcare is so expensive we try to cover the whole holiday period by ourselves. Which, if you're unlucky like us and you live a distance from family, or your family don't help you out for what ever reason, you'd be able to relate to this.

It's always a struggle. Either financially through trying to fund the cost of childcare -especially holiday care, the guilt you feel from having the kids in childcare, or the endless worry about how you're going to cover the holiday period and still maintain a good standing at work.

I sometimes think if only I had it like my inlaws. Not that they abused the situation but Nanny lives in the same town and is always willing and able to help out. I've envied their ability to be able to go out and have relationship time together without the worry of finding a babysitter - something I've never managed to find as of yet - and their ability to not only travel around everywhere just about every weekend (so it seems) but also pay off their house before the kids really hit the teenage years. But I've also been extremely proud that we've done it by ourselves with very little to no help. Please don't misunderstand me though, the inlaws have worked damn hard to get where they are - I'm not saying they had it easy.

For me, holidays inevitably means the time to clean and organise. To do all those jobs I put off because I don't want to do them at the end of a long week or simply because I've spent the weekend taking kids here and there to thier endless activities or events.

We've not travelled these holidays to spend any real time with family. There's a whole other story behind this but anyway its worked out well. I've done a lot of the"organising jobs" over these holidays and quite frankly had enough which is lucky because I think the list of things to organise is running out. In fact as I think of it there's about three items left - The bathroom cupboard - which really just needs to be replaced wholous bowlous including the shower screen and tiles in there: then there's hubby clothes draws - but I'd have to get him to help and he's much less interested than I am and of course the kitchen cupboards which isn't it amazing that they always need organising.

And then there's the fact that every day these holidays I've woken up and thought I should really get back to that house painting job I started a few months ago... I'll get there - I just need the motivation... again.

A severe lack of motivation is becoming a recurring theme to this.. I'll have to look into that!

Today was great though. The kids wanted to go to Old Parliament House. They have a dress up room there that keeps the kids busy for quite some time and the detective activity keeps them interested in the history or lessons the house can provide. If you haven't been I'd recommend it...but take a good book for the dress up room cause the kids take forever. Just make sure the book is interuptable as they come in with one costume and then quickly disappear only to reappear with yet another change of clothes.

And don't forget the camera like I did (again this time)!

Getting There

Its been a few days I know.  I've had motivational times in the last few days but not many. Sometimes that motivation has been towards a bit of exercise but mostly not.

I've been cleaning out cupboards and sorting the contents. Throwing out heaps of crap that just gathers and seems to hang around yet never gets used. It coudn't get used, nobody knew where to find it!

I now have a organsied pile of stuff in cupboards that should be easier to find and make doing tasks around here MUCH easier. For instance, when the kids have homework to do they can go straight to the cupboard pull out all the lead pencils, pens, pencils and stationery stuff (4 separate containers) and sit down and do the task without needing to go searching for the things needed. I do hope it stays all organised for at least a few weeks.

I've done so much organising in the cupboards I'm up to finally sorting out all the photos. For years I've just throw them in an laptop case that we dont use for carrying a laptop...now I need to work out whether I sort them into boxes or put them into albums. I love the album idea however I think I'm going to have a few problems finding albums nowadays... and I'm not scrapbooking them. I dont have the time or inclination to do so.

I also finished a knitting project. I dont like knitting but it was to teach my daughter to knit. One new winter scarf to wear, finished in a following summer or two. Lucky I dont care for what the fashion of the day is! Its funny but for home activities only, when I start I always have the best of intentions but seem to run out of motivation before I get to the finish line. I make time in the beginning but then move on to the next thing and dont have the motivation to finish each thing I start off. Yet I dont work this way in the workforce. I wonder if this is normal... it bugs me though. Its something I've been working on, in the background of life, and it must be paying off because I cant think of many projects that I have left sitting somewhere unfinished...at least craft projects anyways.

I love the idea of being crafty, of being able to create that kind of stuff. My mum was, and still is, wonderful with crafty stuff. I would have loved to have learnt more from her. Never mind - I dont have the time for it anyway.

Why is it that I feel so time poor anyway? I shouldn't be, particularly now, the kids are on holidays and there's no sport or school events to run around after and yet I'm so tired. So not motivated to do much at all. In a way I really just want to sit and chilax... but I think I've forgotten how to do so. I dont seem able to just sit and do nothing. Watching TV is sooooo boring.... and I still have so much to do towards preparing this house for sale yet in another way I also simply couldn't by bothered.

Geez, thats a mixed message and a half isn't it. What exactly am I... How exactly am I feeling??? ......Do I feel time poor, or Am I unmotivated and why, or am I just unable to see that we will ever get to buy a new house at this rate... or is it that I just need to learn to relax and not be so bloody tense all the time... I wish I could do the last one so much but firstly I think its just who I am and maybe thats why I'm completely lost in how to even start! Any suggestions?

Nothing much to write home about

Well, this week started off great and went downhill fast from there. I haven't exercised in two full days now. I could probably think of valid reasons but they'd be excuses so I'm not going to offer them.

I have been drinking the recommended 2 litres of water so that's something and I've been good about what food I've put in my mouth so thats a point too.

I ran into the boxfit instructor tonight, he reminded me of when the classes start up again and finished with his expectation to see me there. Boxfit is physically challenging sometimes so I better get ready for it...

I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Not looking forward to the long night ahead, family sick at moment and all I am hearing is cough cough cough.....cough cough cough cough.... - you get the picture.

New Year Resolution's Accountability

I make a new year's resolution every year, and mostly I keep them. This year I made a really hard one. I don't want to mess this one up because it's probably the most important one I've made to date.

For instance a few years ago now, I decided that for the entire year I would not eat even so much as a smartie of chocolate. Before this I, like every other woman, had to eat chocolate "like" 30 times a week or 5 times each and every day. I was a chocoholic! I did it though. I really dont know how - but I did it. I achieved what I thought then as the impossible. I went without chocolate for an entire year. Now I can give or take it... without having to eat it all. (Yes that was a pun)

I have always struggled with having confidence in myself. I've never thought myself worthy and have strived to impress everyone around me with what I know. I'm not a know it all and I don't show off - I'm not that smart and wouldn't want to slip up, but I give my opinions and can make a pretty good argument for them. People say I'm intelligent.

I always worry that my choices will be wrong or my work won't be what's required. That people will think badly of me if I stuff up. This year my New year resolution is to start having the confidence in myself to do anything and to care less about what people think. Its been the second part - what people might think - that has held me back and helped to compound my lack of confidence in myself.

Well no more!

This year I'm going to do something else too. I've been talking (mainly thinking) about doing it for the past 6-8 years or so...... so this year I'm going to do it! It's a confidence thing too and I think doing it will build my confidence and if it dosen't then I'll chalk it up to experience.

I'm going to finally pluck up the courage to jump out of a perfectly good plane to feel the exhileration of falling fast to the ground before pulling a cord which will allow me to safely float the rest of the way.

And now that I've said it here I have to do it. That's what this blog is all about. Wish me luck but please don't say "break a leg"!

Miracles do happen

Well, as previously advised I went back to work today. I got up before the alarm went off, a miracle in itself, put my shoes on and walked/jogged a quick circuit of about 10 minutes... (another miracle) Better a little than nothing at all right?

I made it into work at 7:45 AM!! Miracle three and that included having had breakfast... If I think about it its probably more the fact that I didn't have to worry about getting the kids out the door - the joys of working in the holidays. I figured they were all still sleeping, there was only housework to do and I could work up some flex to use for the times I do have kids stuff to run around after.

What's more amazing was when I came home, I figured rather than start to feel the drain of a long day, I'd cook dinner straight away before it set in. You would have thought that seeing they were all home, all day, they could have had this ready but we won't go there!

After dinner, I got them all up and we went down the lake to "walk". It ended up that the fishing bug got to calling hubby's name and the pull was too enticing. But when we got to under the bridge... he helped the kids fish - a miracle in itself because the last time we, as a family, went fishing it didn't end nicely. Fishing is a serious business and kids and wives are never serious enough about it you know!

Anyways they all fished and I.. well I made use of the stairs.

There are 35 stairs leading up from under the bridge to the road, and then a path leads back down to under the bridge. There are two sides to the bridge (obviously - have you ever seen a one sided bridge?) and thus two sets of stairs. Each set of stairs has 35 steps to the top in three sections, I think it was 14, then 9 then the remainder. Which seems odd - dosen't everyone construct things evenly nowadays. I would!

I went up the stairs, back down the path and completed this circuit 11 times on one side and then another 12 times on the other.  By the end of it the dog was absolutely exhausted. Poor thing!

I came home hungry. I think I've burnt my dinner off. .. and if you're wondering or trying to work it out, thats 805 stairs! Using those online calculators that's about 360 odd calories ...or 454 if you live in America. For some reason they seem to think that calories are easier to burn which must be the reason they have a larger population of overweight people.

I'll leave you chuckling at my bad joke there. I'm looking forward to seeing how I'll do tomorrow. I love accountability and miracles.

The accountability bit

So here I am, I started this for some accountability. I wanted to put it out there that I actually do what I plan to do. Or I have something to remind me that I said I'd do it.

I want to lose some weight, not a lot... just a little... about 10 -12 kgs at the most. I started this "goal" in 2009 when I realised with a little help from the doctor that I was about 10kgs over my ideal weight. My problem is that I have never looked that overweight and even now I think people think that I'm not. So its easy for me to make excuses. Now however I have anyone who reads this as my witnesses.

I was doing so well back then too. I lost approximately 8 kgs with the help of a fitness partner - my good friend, and Healthy Inspirations a small gym just for women. Then my hubby had a medical scare that knocked me for six, having nearly lost him I used it as an excuse and just fell out of the habit of exercising. I was really starting to enjoy it and would love to know how I would have gone. I wasted about 3 months of a 6 month membership and these things aren't cheap.

This time round, I want to try it by myelf with this blog as my accountability. I've been slowly getting into it - eating better or at least trying to and I've thought about going out every day to do some exercise. I just haven't turned that to practical every day but I will. I promise.

I'm starting again fresh tomorrow. I return to work after the holidays tomorrow too so back to routine or a new routine anyay. Wish me luck!

Feelings of disappointment for no real reason

Today I'm feeling let down and disappointed. Trouble is I really dont think there's any real reason for it. So what am I disappointed about?

My beautiful wonderful husband has wanted a new car for the most loose reasons possible. Rather than get the old one, (which gives us everything we NEED in a car), fixed for no more than it cost to buy, he's wanted to buy a new car for over 12 months. It keeps coming back to the same and after much discussion he's worn me down and I've agreed. I always agree to his wants, I always have... sometimes its eventually but I end up agreeing. I love him so I agree, what makes him happy would make me happy.

Trouble is I know from past experience that it will be short lived - until he wants the next thing. In the end we have ended up with a newish car that isn't going to meet all of our needs. I'm waiting for him to want to go fishing and try to fit the fishing rods in....and I wonder if he's thought about all the times he's taken an extra child to a sporting event. Sorry in advance but that is no longer possible - we won't have enough seats.

He's right though. Why would we pay for the convenience of transporting others kids around.... because we are nice people. But I know that that isn't a good enough reason. It's just me always wanting to be a nice person, a good mum who is always willing to help others, and let the kids have special times with their friends. I think I'm compensating for my own childhood.

I've wanted a new house for more than 5 years on and off. The kids are getting bigger. They need their own space, and the family needs more space to just relax rather than all crammed in together - its little wonder we retreat into ourselves here. There's no where big enough for us all to sit together. I looked at getting an extension but my hubby decided he didn't like it. I've looked at a million houses and every one he finds something wrong. He's eventually come round but now that we have a newish car to pay for I dont want the added cost of a bigger mortgage. I like having some disposable income.

I have an ideal of the perfect family, the perfect life. I never had it growing up but I want it for my kids. I guess when it comes down to it I'm disappointed because I know the ideal I have in my mind is so far from reality in todays times that its impossible to think I even constructed it. The perfect family has it all, the new car and the house big enough for all, they go places and do everything together, and to boot they have the finances to buy what they want when they want. I know my ideal does not exist for anyone but I do think others are far closer to it than we are. I basically feel we are never going to get anywhere. It will be one want to the next and the bills will keep coming in and I'll never pay the house off.

I'd like to get to the point where I don't have to worry about finances and just live life to the fullest. I'm a born worrier, but that's got me to where I am today. I'm the practical one, the one who thinks things through to make sure its the right decision and every aspect is considered before we jump. Why is it I cant be more like my husband? He's so cool, calm and collected on the outside. He never appears to have a care in the world. He dosen't need to worry - I do it for us both.

Starting a blog does not make me tech savvy.... just yet

I had to share this - Here I am all proud of myself for being tech savvy enough to create this page. I managed to post a link to my facebook account and thought to myself

- thats enough for now I really should be doing something more constructive towards the house seeing everyone is still sleeping... I could even take the dog for a walk or maybe even a jog again today - I'm still proud from yesterday's little jog, I dont usually jog but I want to get into it - more on that later

Anyways I get out of the page and then try to go back - just to see.... I had copied the URL so I couldn't lose it or so I thought.  Guess what I couldn't find it again. I've had to go into my Facebook account to click on the link to bring me back here... I'll get there eventually until then please be patient with me.

Constantly Changing my Mind

I was entering the Profile information that would make this page look a little better and actually describe myself to my readers and in doing so it occurred to me that maybe the first thing I should write about is that fact that I constantly change my mind. 

For instance I wrote the following in the About me section... "I want what's best for my family and strive to provide my kids with the lifestyle and opportunties that an everyday parent can provide. Then again... maybe I'm not so everyday... I guess it depends on where you look at it from. Everyone's perception is different."

Here's where my first reason (see below) for starting a blog kicks in. Accountability. When typing the first part out I realised that I'm only everyday to those people who are in the same situation as myself. Anyone who's either not on par with where I am in my life or who hasn't already been there probably wouldn't consider me "an everyday person".... Or maybe i'm wrong.

What do you think?

Just the beginning

I'm new to this. I'm not tech savvy. If you expect great things you're looking in the wrong spot. I will be honest though - I always am. Its got me into trouble so many times in the past but I'm going to stick with it cause its one of my principals.

 

So why am I starting a blog... firstly it will be for my own personal accountability. I'm a smart woman. I know that everything posted here will remain for ever more. My only hope is that what I write is lost in the amongst the billions of words posted on the internet by thousands of others just like me. I'm hoping that by putting it out there, my pearls of wisdom that I say to myself and to my closest friends might just be believed by me just that little bit more. Being conscious that what I write here stays forever more means I have to clearly think about what I write so if i've thought clearly and written it down then there's a better chance that I won't personally disregard it later when maybe things become unclear again. Lets see if my theroy works!

 

My second reason is pretty lame - or more lame than the first - I need to get with it. I need the confidence boost that only doing something you're never done before can give you. I lack confidence so much it holds me back. I've been wondering about how to blog for so long and never plucked up the courage to just work it out... and here I am - I've worked it out. I'm a smart woman (obviously.)