Time Flies

WOW! its been a while.. a looong while. I've been busy, life has caught me up... there's a thousand excuses I could use, most of which would be true. To be perfectly honest though - I lost the URL location of my blog (so much for becoming IT savvy!!) and I guess I lost a bit of interest and motivation too. Its a bit hard to maintain interest when I know that no one actully reads this anyway...but just in case....

I've struggled with staying positive and its only just now that I think I'm really beginning to kick the butt of some of the internal demons I've been carrying this year. Boy oh Boy 2011 has been tough! Its been a year of lots of personal development and of lots of lows oviously sprinkled with a few highs to set me up for the lows that followed but mostly low moments that I've needed to work through. Hopefully there's been some personal growth with all that - and I mean personal growth that not just I think I can see, but some growth that others can see in me too.

I've had some great support, but I've also identified that some support networks which I thought were always going to be there were not as strong as I'd relied on in the past. As human beings we change. And it is only our absolutely closest friends and loved ones - those who dont judge us on what we do  or who we are, but rather on the friendships or bonds we have with them - that will stick by us when that change happens.

I'd like to Thank my supporters for being there even when I do my absolute best to push you away in a moment of weakness and self doubt. Thank you!

Attempting to Change my Outlook

yes it has been a few weeks. I'm still coughing and still not feeling the greatest. I've been keeping a low profile everywhere and my head has been so screwed up.... excuses I know but I also dont care. 

What to write about now I am here, I'm really not sure..... I cant or rather wont write publically about the things I've been thinking about..... the reason my head is so screwed up. Its too personal to share.

I would like to say on a completly unrelated track that Life sucks sometimes. Why is that the good people get the crappy things and the ones who make others peoples lives crap dont fair so badly?

I know its sounds like such a horrible thing to say but I think having cancer or something that can be treated and cured with treatment is far better than having a genetic thing that has no cure or a non self imposed condition that gets worse with time and can not be reversed.

Here I have been all screwed up in the head and in reality my crap is minor in comparison. It all non consequential compared to the battles that others face.

I'm trying to see some positives; but at this point - I just cant. I need too. I need to focus on the positives in life far more and lately I haven't been. I've been wasting my time on the negatives and they have overwhelmed me... comsumed me even. How do I change my nature. How do I turn a negative outlook on life into a positive one?

Life is way too short. Its time for me to change so I make the most of it.

The Star Sign Prediction

Do you ever read your star sign predictions?  I do - all the time. I love it. I think its a sag thing. I dont always take head and mostly I just read it and then promptly forget. Todays star sign prediction (one of many because I know they are all different and that's why they are ususally crap but anyway...) reads as follows:

..."it's important that you consciously move toward a more optimistic attitude. Put some effort into measuring your progress somehow. "

So. ok. Why did this strike a cord with me today? Well, its sunday morning. I got up and went for a walk - mainly because I was coughing and was concious of waking everyone up. On that walk - which was quite a long one actually, I was thinking exactly that. That I need to start recording the effort. I need too because lately my mental health has been low. Too much stress, too much to think about and too little me time. Its little wonder my health is starting to fail me.

In the last 3 weeks, I've hardly eaten, had only disturbed sleep - usually waking at 4 am and not being able to go back to sleep - had a cold sore that size of a barn, stomach cramps, felt like throwing up for three days straight whilst the other end going non stop and now I have the worst head cold in the history of the world with this dry annoying cough which is making my throat feel like someone is dragging broken bricks over it.

The only good thing is I've lost approximately 3 kgs! Trouble is I know it will find me again... Why is it that the things you want to lose tend to find you again and come back and the things you dont want to lose, tend to be the things that once lost they are lost forever?

Today I'm gratful for the ability to get up and go for a walk. For having three fantastic kids, and a husband that puts up with me... even in my low moments.

ho hum

I've been feeling so "ho Hum" the past few days. At work I'm busy enough but at home I find myself having to work at getting a conversation out of anyone. I just want to sit and talk - perferable an adult conversation and not about the kids, the house or things at work but it doesn't seem to be happening.

Its probably because I have no real interests outside of these things. I'm probably driving my poor husband crazy, trying desperately hard to create a conversation but he's your typical male - always in his cave.

* sigh*

its a pity this blog can not talk back!

Back at Work

Well, the alarm went off for me to get up and go to boxfit but....the new car needs to go to for a service this morning so that gets me off the hook. I do however really need to get into the boxfit mood!

Started back at work yesterday and that was interesting. I was there early, i can be earl on days where I dont have to get the kids out the door. Its nice and easy those days, just get up, shower, get dressed, have cuppa, go to work. It worked out well because it took me 3 1/2 hours just to get through all the emails in my inbox... and that was after I'd put on the "Out of office" so everyone knew I wasn't there! Lucky I have a good system of sorting out all the crap emails I dont even need to read and can just delete them.

I was officially advised that I would be moving over to the other section...A holiday and a change- not often you get that!

Back to work soon

Well. I never thought I'd say this but... I think I'm ready to go back to work. The time off has been sooooooooo good. I don't think I've ever had a holiday where I've sat around the house, doing not so much for quite as long as I've done not so much these holidays. In the past we've usually spent time down with the inlaws and doing not so much down there. But even that is not quite the same as doing not so much at home.

Maybe its the choice you have at home to do not so much. When you're somewhere else sitting around you don't have the choice to do nothing, there just isn't that much to do. Unless you are paying for a holiday somewhere where the sole purpose is to create experiences whilst you relax and take time out. Which if you look at it that way means you're not really taking time out your just changing the scenery and doing something different with your time.

Anyways, its been nice. Its been boring as well at times, but mostly just nice.

So I wonder what awaits me back at work? I do know I'll have alot on with my project ramping up to pilot stage. I think, I have it all in hand... but then again who knows. Most of the time I really dont know what's coming up until it hits me. I dont know what I dont know but I often get to thinking about the next bit, all confused and lost before I work it out. I'd ask more questions but for some reason I tend to hold back until I've worked it out a bit myself. I think this is a confidence thing too. I dont like to look stupid, I like to try to work it out myself, to be independant and show that I'm capable. Which I am - sometimes it just takes a lot longer doing it this way. And when I do ask questions its usually to clarify and question my own thinking anyway... which is not always on the mark.

I'll have to start getting up earlier, or at least start getting ready for the day rather than sitting down to a quiet cuppa, actually eating breakfast and taking my time to get in the shower and wake the kids. Oh and I'll have to think about a time limit for adding to the blog...I've discovered it takes me anywhere up to an hour to type my thoughts out. The blogs may have to become shorter... or be written at the end of the day.... They may become interesting OR they may just become a spot for downloading all the crap stuff that happens throughout the day. I'll need to make a conscious effort to make them positive.

I'll also have to get back to one of the supposed themes of this blog.. the weight loss journey that I keep talking about but need to actually start... Oh and by the way I accidentally broke my promise. The last boxfit class for this week was at 6 am this morning. I'm hopeless at getting up at that time unless I have someone depending on me to be there. Anyone interested in joining me in boxfit at 6 am in the morning??

Comments please people!

Hey you out there - yes you - the one looking at this and reading... I'm feeling unloved and you can help. Let me know that you are reading this and what you think. Either become a follower (but dont expect me to lead) or make a comment even if its under "anon".

Appreciate it muchly

Thanks

What to do with myself

These holidays I've made no real effort towards much at all. I'm thinking I've been real  unmotivated and lazy... but I also think that it's been so nice to not have to do anything much at all. I've had time to think about all the things I should be doing....

Our lives are so busy - running here, running there, doing this, doing that, helping with this thing then helping with that thing... and thats just the extra things we do in our home life. We both work full time in full on jobs, and we still need to run a household with all that that entails, its little wonder the garden beds need weeding and the yard needs a good tidy and the paint job I started a few months ago still needs to be finished.

I really don't feel that guilty. Its been nice to sit around the house and become bored. We rarely get that opportunity. This year I think I'll pull back.... where ever possible of course. I won't be helping out as much for the schools, I wont be helping out as much for the sporting clubs and I will be taking time out for my own leisure activities... I just have to find some. I've run around after the kids so much (for the past 13 yeas) I've neglected myself in this category and I cant really think of anything I'd like to do.

Seeing my hubby brought me a new camera a few months back, I'm going to do a course on how to use it properly... I orginally wanted the camera so I could do the Netball Clubs photos for the 2011 season... We'll see if I still put my hand up for that role, at this stage I'm undecided.

I will be doing the jump out of a perfectly good plane.... when I get around to booking it, which I need to do soon I suppose... I have to do this activity now, its on here and this IS about accountability. Although of late my posts don't really reflect the reason I started blogging...

I have to get back into the exercising. Hubby and I have been walking at night but this is more for him than me - in fact the short distance we go does not constiute my exercise requirements to lose that bit of weight. Boxfit started this week, but I haven't been to a class yet. I keep meaning too, I just haven't yet... but I will... before the week is out. I will. I promise!

.... now all I have to do is work out what other things I want to do....

Another 13 year old in the House

Today my eldest (birthchild) turns 13! She has always been the one with the most attitude. In fact this attitude started when she was only two. She's been turning 13 for a long time now. lol

For example, at two and three, she would wear only what she wanted, if I dressed her in something else she'd go in and change it. As she got older it would be demonstrated in other ways, at approximately 8, she used to slam doors when she was upset with us or after she'd gotten into trouble and stormed off to her room. The door slamming stopped when one day we removed the door from its hinges. It sat in the hallway for about a week but once it went back up she's never slammed the door quite the same way or with such force. It was mean but very effective.

Hopefully the experiences with this 13 year old will be better than those with the stepchild. He was a good kid, but the undermining of the relationship by the mother made some things hell. It was not his fault and I perfectly understand... but this is using hindsight. At the time I didn't have that benefit and given he'd only started living with us a few months prior we were all still adjusting.

One good thing out of the birthday for today is my mother rang. My mother rang!! What's better is she not only wished the child happy birthday but then wanted to speak to me too. We spoke for a little while, she updated me on her move back to hometown, which isn't go quite as smoothly as she'd thought it should but then again thats's life... and the one thing my mother can do is start over from scratch. She's done it plenty of times. As a child we were always moving about, new towns not just new houses. Its probably why - a) I've never fitted in with my peers because I was always the new kid and b) I'm so resilent to change now.

The 13 year old lost her best friend to a move to a different town at the end of the school year. It was the first best friend she'd really had so I have been a bit worried. Throughout primary school my new 13 year old flitted between the various groups with no real attachment, then in Year 7 went to a school out of area where she knew only a handful of the kids. She met this wonderful little girl and they were inseparable all year. Now going into Year 8, its almost like she has to start over. Today she's off to the movies with a group of girls from her school and one we still have contact with from primary school.

She hasn't maintained a lot of the friendships from primary school like I had hoped she would but she sees them around. She's too shy to go up and start a conversation but I'm hoping that being 13 starts to change that. That she starts to come into her own and develops the confidence to know that other people DO like her. When it comes to the confidence genes, I don't want her anything like me.

Oh to be 13 again and to have the opportunties my daughter will have - she's even off on an overseas trip in April with a school exchange program. That should give her a fair amount of confidence I suspect... or at least I hope.  Unless of course I pull the plug, what kind of mother am I letting my 13 year old travel overseas without us. She's only just turned 13!

The "To do" List

The last few days. I've been thinking of all the things I either needed or wanted to do these holidays. The thoughts come and go but mostly its sticks with "I'll do that one tomorrow". Trouble is the holiday tomorrow opportunties are running out... so I sat down last night and wrote the "To do" list.

Looking at it this morning, I see that mostly the things listed are big ticket purchases that I dont want to inititate just yet.

The one thing on the list that is of most interest is the task to change my mindset. It appears when I'm at home with not much to think about my mind turns to attack me and I start to worry ...

These holidays I've spent a bit of time thinking about the quality of my relationships, past and present. I seem to have the worst history with relationships. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I grew up not trusting anyone. I was the middle child of a single parent family who depended on the handouts of government to get by. Anyone and everyone I got close too or made friends with in any way ended up leaving me in one way or another. It was only a matter of time.

At the moment, my relationship with my mother is at the lowest point ever (and its had some low points) - we haven't spoken since the 10th December. She was in town for a whole month and couldn't take the time or effort to spend some of that time with her grandkids or me, her daughter. I refuse to ring her this time, I simply can not put myself out there again to be hurt, nor can I continue to subject the kids to the hope that one day she'll take an interest in them.. so there goes that relationship (again).

Then there's my brother. We grew up not liking each other much, he was always the baby of the house and got away with everything. He also managed to get everything he wanted. When it got to hard for him to live at home at approximately 15, he came to live with hubby and me just after we were married. We took him in and gave him an alternative and the choice to go back to school. He's never shown any thanks for that but he has complained that we charged him some board. I'm not too fussed about that, that's just him... but a few years ago (well after he'd set up his own life) we had a huge fight and in the heat of the moment I told him to get out of my house. No one gets to speak to me the way he did, or acuse me of being a racist, especially in my own home. In my adult life I've had many aboriginal friends, I've never seen a difference based on skin colour and he took a passing comment with no malice as an attack on all aboriginal people, his wife included, and unfortunately it meant the end of our relationship. Now we barely talk and its always straight down the business line when we do. Once again its the kids who get hurt as they miss out on having that extended family relationship that I so wanted for them.

Now the inlaws (sisters in law - not mother in law) are all upset with me too. When I was down there for christmas they barely spoke to me. In fact, we were asked to stay at a motel rather than at the house. Extra family members were also down but it turned out they had brought thier caravan and so were not actually using the top bedrooms we usually occupy when we're there. Not that I minded that so much, the previous visit was not the greatest. A huge fight broke out about the stepson who had been living with us until he came home drunk a day after hubby was released from hospital from his near death experience. They feel we did him wrong and he had no choice but to go home to his mothers house to live. We have a side of the story that they just dont want to listen to let alone hear. So both relationships - the stepson and the inlaws - are in ruins. Chalk it up to the long list I appear to have.

Other doomed relationships in my life include a long list of school friends. I have always struggled to make friends, I was the one the kids picked on, which I now know was because I was the one who lacked confidence in myself and was looking for them to make me feel happy. I'm thinking that my biggest relationship problem is my lack of confidence in myself, my inability to trust other people, to realise that if they like me now I have to do something before they stop liking me, and I have to stop purposely doing something to make them dislike me so that I dont get hurt, because whether they leave now or later I will get hurt.

The good relationships I do have are because those people accept me as I am. The opinionated, self righteous  - stand up for myself when you cross me bitch that I can be. They accept that I have crazy lady times, where I think that they really dont like me much at all cause there's really not much to like about me. They deal well with those crazy times, and thank god for that, cause in those times I try to push those closest to me away. I give them reasons to leave, cause I know that it's only a matter of time and they'll go anyway so I may as well give them a good reason. Trouble is I also realise that there's only so many times I can have these crazy moments before those people closest to me decide that they have had enough.

And of all the things on my "To do" list, I need to get my crazy times sorted before it costs me everything.

On Holidays

Yes. I've been slack with blogging. I am currently on holidays (again). Unlike the Whooping Cough episode of the past two weeks, this time they were planned. Childcare is so expensive we try to cover the whole holiday period by ourselves. Which, if you're unlucky like us and you live a distance from family, or your family don't help you out for what ever reason, you'd be able to relate to this.

It's always a struggle. Either financially through trying to fund the cost of childcare -especially holiday care, the guilt you feel from having the kids in childcare, or the endless worry about how you're going to cover the holiday period and still maintain a good standing at work.

I sometimes think if only I had it like my inlaws. Not that they abused the situation but Nanny lives in the same town and is always willing and able to help out. I've envied their ability to be able to go out and have relationship time together without the worry of finding a babysitter - something I've never managed to find as of yet - and their ability to not only travel around everywhere just about every weekend (so it seems) but also pay off their house before the kids really hit the teenage years. But I've also been extremely proud that we've done it by ourselves with very little to no help. Please don't misunderstand me though, the inlaws have worked damn hard to get where they are - I'm not saying they had it easy.

For me, holidays inevitably means the time to clean and organise. To do all those jobs I put off because I don't want to do them at the end of a long week or simply because I've spent the weekend taking kids here and there to thier endless activities or events.

We've not travelled these holidays to spend any real time with family. There's a whole other story behind this but anyway its worked out well. I've done a lot of the"organising jobs" over these holidays and quite frankly had enough which is lucky because I think the list of things to organise is running out. In fact as I think of it there's about three items left - The bathroom cupboard - which really just needs to be replaced wholous bowlous including the shower screen and tiles in there: then there's hubby clothes draws - but I'd have to get him to help and he's much less interested than I am and of course the kitchen cupboards which isn't it amazing that they always need organising.

And then there's the fact that every day these holidays I've woken up and thought I should really get back to that house painting job I started a few months ago... I'll get there - I just need the motivation... again.

A severe lack of motivation is becoming a recurring theme to this.. I'll have to look into that!

Today was great though. The kids wanted to go to Old Parliament House. They have a dress up room there that keeps the kids busy for quite some time and the detective activity keeps them interested in the history or lessons the house can provide. If you haven't been I'd recommend it...but take a good book for the dress up room cause the kids take forever. Just make sure the book is interuptable as they come in with one costume and then quickly disappear only to reappear with yet another change of clothes.

And don't forget the camera like I did (again this time)!

Getting There

Its been a few days I know.  I've had motivational times in the last few days but not many. Sometimes that motivation has been towards a bit of exercise but mostly not.

I've been cleaning out cupboards and sorting the contents. Throwing out heaps of crap that just gathers and seems to hang around yet never gets used. It coudn't get used, nobody knew where to find it!

I now have a organsied pile of stuff in cupboards that should be easier to find and make doing tasks around here MUCH easier. For instance, when the kids have homework to do they can go straight to the cupboard pull out all the lead pencils, pens, pencils and stationery stuff (4 separate containers) and sit down and do the task without needing to go searching for the things needed. I do hope it stays all organised for at least a few weeks.

I've done so much organising in the cupboards I'm up to finally sorting out all the photos. For years I've just throw them in an laptop case that we dont use for carrying a laptop...now I need to work out whether I sort them into boxes or put them into albums. I love the album idea however I think I'm going to have a few problems finding albums nowadays... and I'm not scrapbooking them. I dont have the time or inclination to do so.

I also finished a knitting project. I dont like knitting but it was to teach my daughter to knit. One new winter scarf to wear, finished in a following summer or two. Lucky I dont care for what the fashion of the day is! Its funny but for home activities only, when I start I always have the best of intentions but seem to run out of motivation before I get to the finish line. I make time in the beginning but then move on to the next thing and dont have the motivation to finish each thing I start off. Yet I dont work this way in the workforce. I wonder if this is normal... it bugs me though. Its something I've been working on, in the background of life, and it must be paying off because I cant think of many projects that I have left sitting somewhere unfinished...at least craft projects anyways.

I love the idea of being crafty, of being able to create that kind of stuff. My mum was, and still is, wonderful with crafty stuff. I would have loved to have learnt more from her. Never mind - I dont have the time for it anyway.

Why is it that I feel so time poor anyway? I shouldn't be, particularly now, the kids are on holidays and there's no sport or school events to run around after and yet I'm so tired. So not motivated to do much at all. In a way I really just want to sit and chilax... but I think I've forgotten how to do so. I dont seem able to just sit and do nothing. Watching TV is sooooo boring.... and I still have so much to do towards preparing this house for sale yet in another way I also simply couldn't by bothered.

Geez, thats a mixed message and a half isn't it. What exactly am I... How exactly am I feeling??? ......Do I feel time poor, or Am I unmotivated and why, or am I just unable to see that we will ever get to buy a new house at this rate... or is it that I just need to learn to relax and not be so bloody tense all the time... I wish I could do the last one so much but firstly I think its just who I am and maybe thats why I'm completely lost in how to even start! Any suggestions?

Nothing much to write home about

Well, this week started off great and went downhill fast from there. I haven't exercised in two full days now. I could probably think of valid reasons but they'd be excuses so I'm not going to offer them.

I have been drinking the recommended 2 litres of water so that's something and I've been good about what food I've put in my mouth so thats a point too.

I ran into the boxfit instructor tonight, he reminded me of when the classes start up again and finished with his expectation to see me there. Boxfit is physically challenging sometimes so I better get ready for it...

I'll pick it up tomorrow.

Not looking forward to the long night ahead, family sick at moment and all I am hearing is cough cough cough.....cough cough cough cough.... - you get the picture.

New Year Resolution's Accountability

I make a new year's resolution every year, and mostly I keep them. This year I made a really hard one. I don't want to mess this one up because it's probably the most important one I've made to date.

For instance a few years ago now, I decided that for the entire year I would not eat even so much as a smartie of chocolate. Before this I, like every other woman, had to eat chocolate "like" 30 times a week or 5 times each and every day. I was a chocoholic! I did it though. I really dont know how - but I did it. I achieved what I thought then as the impossible. I went without chocolate for an entire year. Now I can give or take it... without having to eat it all. (Yes that was a pun)

I have always struggled with having confidence in myself. I've never thought myself worthy and have strived to impress everyone around me with what I know. I'm not a know it all and I don't show off - I'm not that smart and wouldn't want to slip up, but I give my opinions and can make a pretty good argument for them. People say I'm intelligent.

I always worry that my choices will be wrong or my work won't be what's required. That people will think badly of me if I stuff up. This year my New year resolution is to start having the confidence in myself to do anything and to care less about what people think. Its been the second part - what people might think - that has held me back and helped to compound my lack of confidence in myself.

Well no more!

This year I'm going to do something else too. I've been talking (mainly thinking) about doing it for the past 6-8 years or so...... so this year I'm going to do it! It's a confidence thing too and I think doing it will build my confidence and if it dosen't then I'll chalk it up to experience.

I'm going to finally pluck up the courage to jump out of a perfectly good plane to feel the exhileration of falling fast to the ground before pulling a cord which will allow me to safely float the rest of the way.

And now that I've said it here I have to do it. That's what this blog is all about. Wish me luck but please don't say "break a leg"!

Miracles do happen

Well, as previously advised I went back to work today. I got up before the alarm went off, a miracle in itself, put my shoes on and walked/jogged a quick circuit of about 10 minutes... (another miracle) Better a little than nothing at all right?

I made it into work at 7:45 AM!! Miracle three and that included having had breakfast... If I think about it its probably more the fact that I didn't have to worry about getting the kids out the door - the joys of working in the holidays. I figured they were all still sleeping, there was only housework to do and I could work up some flex to use for the times I do have kids stuff to run around after.

What's more amazing was when I came home, I figured rather than start to feel the drain of a long day, I'd cook dinner straight away before it set in. You would have thought that seeing they were all home, all day, they could have had this ready but we won't go there!

After dinner, I got them all up and we went down the lake to "walk". It ended up that the fishing bug got to calling hubby's name and the pull was too enticing. But when we got to under the bridge... he helped the kids fish - a miracle in itself because the last time we, as a family, went fishing it didn't end nicely. Fishing is a serious business and kids and wives are never serious enough about it you know!

Anyways they all fished and I.. well I made use of the stairs.

There are 35 stairs leading up from under the bridge to the road, and then a path leads back down to under the bridge. There are two sides to the bridge (obviously - have you ever seen a one sided bridge?) and thus two sets of stairs. Each set of stairs has 35 steps to the top in three sections, I think it was 14, then 9 then the remainder. Which seems odd - dosen't everyone construct things evenly nowadays. I would!

I went up the stairs, back down the path and completed this circuit 11 times on one side and then another 12 times on the other.  By the end of it the dog was absolutely exhausted. Poor thing!

I came home hungry. I think I've burnt my dinner off. .. and if you're wondering or trying to work it out, thats 805 stairs! Using those online calculators that's about 360 odd calories ...or 454 if you live in America. For some reason they seem to think that calories are easier to burn which must be the reason they have a larger population of overweight people.

I'll leave you chuckling at my bad joke there. I'm looking forward to seeing how I'll do tomorrow. I love accountability and miracles.

The accountability bit

So here I am, I started this for some accountability. I wanted to put it out there that I actually do what I plan to do. Or I have something to remind me that I said I'd do it.

I want to lose some weight, not a lot... just a little... about 10 -12 kgs at the most. I started this "goal" in 2009 when I realised with a little help from the doctor that I was about 10kgs over my ideal weight. My problem is that I have never looked that overweight and even now I think people think that I'm not. So its easy for me to make excuses. Now however I have anyone who reads this as my witnesses.

I was doing so well back then too. I lost approximately 8 kgs with the help of a fitness partner - my good friend, and Healthy Inspirations a small gym just for women. Then my hubby had a medical scare that knocked me for six, having nearly lost him I used it as an excuse and just fell out of the habit of exercising. I was really starting to enjoy it and would love to know how I would have gone. I wasted about 3 months of a 6 month membership and these things aren't cheap.

This time round, I want to try it by myelf with this blog as my accountability. I've been slowly getting into it - eating better or at least trying to and I've thought about going out every day to do some exercise. I just haven't turned that to practical every day but I will. I promise.

I'm starting again fresh tomorrow. I return to work after the holidays tomorrow too so back to routine or a new routine anyay. Wish me luck!

Feelings of disappointment for no real reason

Today I'm feeling let down and disappointed. Trouble is I really dont think there's any real reason for it. So what am I disappointed about?

My beautiful wonderful husband has wanted a new car for the most loose reasons possible. Rather than get the old one, (which gives us everything we NEED in a car), fixed for no more than it cost to buy, he's wanted to buy a new car for over 12 months. It keeps coming back to the same and after much discussion he's worn me down and I've agreed. I always agree to his wants, I always have... sometimes its eventually but I end up agreeing. I love him so I agree, what makes him happy would make me happy.

Trouble is I know from past experience that it will be short lived - until he wants the next thing. In the end we have ended up with a newish car that isn't going to meet all of our needs. I'm waiting for him to want to go fishing and try to fit the fishing rods in....and I wonder if he's thought about all the times he's taken an extra child to a sporting event. Sorry in advance but that is no longer possible - we won't have enough seats.

He's right though. Why would we pay for the convenience of transporting others kids around.... because we are nice people. But I know that that isn't a good enough reason. It's just me always wanting to be a nice person, a good mum who is always willing to help others, and let the kids have special times with their friends. I think I'm compensating for my own childhood.

I've wanted a new house for more than 5 years on and off. The kids are getting bigger. They need their own space, and the family needs more space to just relax rather than all crammed in together - its little wonder we retreat into ourselves here. There's no where big enough for us all to sit together. I looked at getting an extension but my hubby decided he didn't like it. I've looked at a million houses and every one he finds something wrong. He's eventually come round but now that we have a newish car to pay for I dont want the added cost of a bigger mortgage. I like having some disposable income.

I have an ideal of the perfect family, the perfect life. I never had it growing up but I want it for my kids. I guess when it comes down to it I'm disappointed because I know the ideal I have in my mind is so far from reality in todays times that its impossible to think I even constructed it. The perfect family has it all, the new car and the house big enough for all, they go places and do everything together, and to boot they have the finances to buy what they want when they want. I know my ideal does not exist for anyone but I do think others are far closer to it than we are. I basically feel we are never going to get anywhere. It will be one want to the next and the bills will keep coming in and I'll never pay the house off.

I'd like to get to the point where I don't have to worry about finances and just live life to the fullest. I'm a born worrier, but that's got me to where I am today. I'm the practical one, the one who thinks things through to make sure its the right decision and every aspect is considered before we jump. Why is it I cant be more like my husband? He's so cool, calm and collected on the outside. He never appears to have a care in the world. He dosen't need to worry - I do it for us both.

Starting a blog does not make me tech savvy.... just yet

I had to share this - Here I am all proud of myself for being tech savvy enough to create this page. I managed to post a link to my facebook account and thought to myself

- thats enough for now I really should be doing something more constructive towards the house seeing everyone is still sleeping... I could even take the dog for a walk or maybe even a jog again today - I'm still proud from yesterday's little jog, I dont usually jog but I want to get into it - more on that later

Anyways I get out of the page and then try to go back - just to see.... I had copied the URL so I couldn't lose it or so I thought.  Guess what I couldn't find it again. I've had to go into my Facebook account to click on the link to bring me back here... I'll get there eventually until then please be patient with me.

Constantly Changing my Mind

I was entering the Profile information that would make this page look a little better and actually describe myself to my readers and in doing so it occurred to me that maybe the first thing I should write about is that fact that I constantly change my mind. 

For instance I wrote the following in the About me section... "I want what's best for my family and strive to provide my kids with the lifestyle and opportunties that an everyday parent can provide. Then again... maybe I'm not so everyday... I guess it depends on where you look at it from. Everyone's perception is different."

Here's where my first reason (see below) for starting a blog kicks in. Accountability. When typing the first part out I realised that I'm only everyday to those people who are in the same situation as myself. Anyone who's either not on par with where I am in my life or who hasn't already been there probably wouldn't consider me "an everyday person".... Or maybe i'm wrong.

What do you think?

Just the beginning

I'm new to this. I'm not tech savvy. If you expect great things you're looking in the wrong spot. I will be honest though - I always am. Its got me into trouble so many times in the past but I'm going to stick with it cause its one of my principals.

 

So why am I starting a blog... firstly it will be for my own personal accountability. I'm a smart woman. I know that everything posted here will remain for ever more. My only hope is that what I write is lost in the amongst the billions of words posted on the internet by thousands of others just like me. I'm hoping that by putting it out there, my pearls of wisdom that I say to myself and to my closest friends might just be believed by me just that little bit more. Being conscious that what I write here stays forever more means I have to clearly think about what I write so if i've thought clearly and written it down then there's a better chance that I won't personally disregard it later when maybe things become unclear again. Lets see if my theroy works!

 

My second reason is pretty lame - or more lame than the first - I need to get with it. I need the confidence boost that only doing something you're never done before can give you. I lack confidence so much it holds me back. I've been wondering about how to blog for so long and never plucked up the courage to just work it out... and here I am - I've worked it out. I'm a smart woman (obviously.)