The "To do" List

The last few days. I've been thinking of all the things I either needed or wanted to do these holidays. The thoughts come and go but mostly its sticks with "I'll do that one tomorrow". Trouble is the holiday tomorrow opportunties are running out... so I sat down last night and wrote the "To do" list.

Looking at it this morning, I see that mostly the things listed are big ticket purchases that I dont want to inititate just yet.

The one thing on the list that is of most interest is the task to change my mindset. It appears when I'm at home with not much to think about my mind turns to attack me and I start to worry ...

These holidays I've spent a bit of time thinking about the quality of my relationships, past and present. I seem to have the worst history with relationships. The more I think about it, the more I realise that I grew up not trusting anyone. I was the middle child of a single parent family who depended on the handouts of government to get by. Anyone and everyone I got close too or made friends with in any way ended up leaving me in one way or another. It was only a matter of time.

At the moment, my relationship with my mother is at the lowest point ever (and its had some low points) - we haven't spoken since the 10th December. She was in town for a whole month and couldn't take the time or effort to spend some of that time with her grandkids or me, her daughter. I refuse to ring her this time, I simply can not put myself out there again to be hurt, nor can I continue to subject the kids to the hope that one day she'll take an interest in them.. so there goes that relationship (again).

Then there's my brother. We grew up not liking each other much, he was always the baby of the house and got away with everything. He also managed to get everything he wanted. When it got to hard for him to live at home at approximately 15, he came to live with hubby and me just after we were married. We took him in and gave him an alternative and the choice to go back to school. He's never shown any thanks for that but he has complained that we charged him some board. I'm not too fussed about that, that's just him... but a few years ago (well after he'd set up his own life) we had a huge fight and in the heat of the moment I told him to get out of my house. No one gets to speak to me the way he did, or acuse me of being a racist, especially in my own home. In my adult life I've had many aboriginal friends, I've never seen a difference based on skin colour and he took a passing comment with no malice as an attack on all aboriginal people, his wife included, and unfortunately it meant the end of our relationship. Now we barely talk and its always straight down the business line when we do. Once again its the kids who get hurt as they miss out on having that extended family relationship that I so wanted for them.

Now the inlaws (sisters in law - not mother in law) are all upset with me too. When I was down there for christmas they barely spoke to me. In fact, we were asked to stay at a motel rather than at the house. Extra family members were also down but it turned out they had brought thier caravan and so were not actually using the top bedrooms we usually occupy when we're there. Not that I minded that so much, the previous visit was not the greatest. A huge fight broke out about the stepson who had been living with us until he came home drunk a day after hubby was released from hospital from his near death experience. They feel we did him wrong and he had no choice but to go home to his mothers house to live. We have a side of the story that they just dont want to listen to let alone hear. So both relationships - the stepson and the inlaws - are in ruins. Chalk it up to the long list I appear to have.

Other doomed relationships in my life include a long list of school friends. I have always struggled to make friends, I was the one the kids picked on, which I now know was because I was the one who lacked confidence in myself and was looking for them to make me feel happy. I'm thinking that my biggest relationship problem is my lack of confidence in myself, my inability to trust other people, to realise that if they like me now I have to do something before they stop liking me, and I have to stop purposely doing something to make them dislike me so that I dont get hurt, because whether they leave now or later I will get hurt.

The good relationships I do have are because those people accept me as I am. The opinionated, self righteous  - stand up for myself when you cross me bitch that I can be. They accept that I have crazy lady times, where I think that they really dont like me much at all cause there's really not much to like about me. They deal well with those crazy times, and thank god for that, cause in those times I try to push those closest to me away. I give them reasons to leave, cause I know that it's only a matter of time and they'll go anyway so I may as well give them a good reason. Trouble is I also realise that there's only so many times I can have these crazy moments before those people closest to me decide that they have had enough.

And of all the things on my "To do" list, I need to get my crazy times sorted before it costs me everything.