Togetherness

Look what my beautiful daughter and I did over the weekend.  Took all weekend but it was a great way to spend time together.

Life goes quickly by

Not sure where time has gone.  Not overly exciting in any way. 

Only thing to report is Sam's good life lesson....After two years of having small but medium risk injuries she missed out on being selected for the representative netball squad earlier this year but was good enough to be offered a reserve placement.  They havent done that previously and of course Sam jumped at the chance.

She went to every training and fitness session,  turned up at the carnivals and was rewarded by being asked to join the squad permanently.
So proud of her!

Where have I been and why

Well...  so much for Blogging more often. Thought about adding something a couple of times but to be honest...I couldn't ge bothered.  No one reads this and I kinda feel that makes it a waste of time.  Besides nothing exciting ever really happens that's worth Blogging about.

Had alot on but nothing much to write about

The title says it all! 

Learning not to stress. 

Learning when to shut up and not to say the things that come into my head.

Learning how to relax.

All these things take time and make me busy....but have made the time to exercise a little. ...mostly when netball training is on.

Wanting more fun

I like being at nanny's. Its relaxing....but almost to point of being boring...not that I mind that in any way, shape or form.

Today was good though. Went op shopping...across a number of small towns of course cause its not like nanny's local town is a city...

It was good. Followed by a spot of fishing..or rather sitting on the bank with a line in the water. All in all a good day but I think I'd enjoy the time down here more if I wasn't so tired.

I enjoy spending time with my sister in law. She's one of those really happy people. Always laughing and having fun. Wish I was more like her. I'm trying but its not my natural personality. I'm working on it.

Wish my kids let me have more fun with them too. What aunty bernie gets away with in the name of fun  compared to me just confuses me. Last night I toppled Sam off the end of the bed as a random act. It was funny. Everyone laughed....cept Sam...if aunty bernie had toppled her, Sam would have seen the funny side too but nope...it was mum and therefore not funny. Rather it was another reason to be cranky...

All I want is for my teenagers to still have fun with me...and to generally just be happier rather than be the worrywarts I've helped to make them with my natural non fun personality!

Still at home sick

Was due to go back to work today but I knew yesterday it wasn't going happen...I was sick yesterday.... Still sick... but it was probably the first day that id fully stopped to "be" sick.  I couldn't stop and be sick when others needed me...

What with Sam also being sick, Drew needing to go to his Drs appt, and then the funeral for Brigid and a day to take her and Mary out somewhere. Be that good friend she has always been for me.

So little wonder that I'm still sick. Do feel better today; but still swollowing a prickly pear every 30 second or so . Back to drs I go as its either not clearing or I'm allergic to the antibiotics and that's what's causing the inflammation.

At Dr's....

Well I think I may just officially be the worse employee.

I'm always not there for one reason or the other. Mostly of course hubby and all his health issues, but every now and then a sprinkling of me being sick. I went in today, knowing full well I shouldn't be there and with the intention of putting a face in. Anyone could tell I shouldn't be there but the thing is that when you've had as much time off as I have you tend to want to prove that its legit.

Probably would have helped if I'd gone in Friday but with the running to and from  Dr's for hubby last Friday I figured it'd be easier for me. After all I have to stop being everything to everyone and start taking care of myself.

It also didnt help having to ask for this Friday off to attend a friend's family funeral. I have to be there to support my very best friend. How could I not. Such a shock that her brother passed and I'd like her to know that I'm there for her especially given she always is for me.

Next Friday off was a bad thing for work. We've got this big project where Friday was a big day. All hands on deck. Except now its me letting the team down again. Once again. Always me letting them down.

But its me letting work mates down or me letting my family and most loved down. If you were me I'm sure you choose as I have. To choose those who will be there in return when I need them.

Funny...a few months ago I may have felt guilt.... But not now...
I must have grown emotionally recently!!

All better

No not drew. Not quite yet.... So what's all better... Well after my mini meltdown I asked about withdrawing from the course.

On a days reflection it may have been an over reaction but the truth is I felt instantly better.

I plan to still do the work but in my own time without the pressure of submitting deadlines. Sure it will be harder to stay motivated but if I'm not motivated then.maybe I wasn't as keen as I first thought.

I guess some will look at it as I've quit... But I look at it as I've changed my goals.

Besides delaying allows time for drew to get better and settle back to the old normal....which is far more important to me anyway.

Life is way too short and I think I've finally realised I just need to relax and to do that I have to give myself a break.

What have I done?

You know, I don't mind Monday's like some people. Monday's really don't bother me. Ok. Yes. You have to go to work after the weekend on mondays but given I barely stop to relax on the weekends ,  thats no real problem.

My problem is stopping and relaxing!!

I need to get past that.  Desperately!!

I started this post on Monday...Of course now its Tuesday because my Monday went to shit......I started the PSM program. I don't know what I was thinking!!!

I don't think I really truly understood the amount of work involved. Everyone kept saying it was a lot, but I just didn't think it was beyond me.

Its not beyond me but do I want the workload. The 30+ hours of reading alone. The struggle to do the assignments. NO!!!!

But I do want the certificate. To finally say I did it. I got a uni degree. After years of saying Id do that, it will be worth it.... I think.

So if my problem is stopping and relaxing but I've taken on this workload....god help me.

Rollonin Cafe

The best times are with family!

After a wonderful week with Nanny we had to take her back. It was great having an extra set of hands helping out. So much more relaxed..even though I didn't get to spend much time with her myself. Too busy running kids all over the place.

What was great was being able to go to work without worrying if hubby was ok.

Kids loved having Nanny here too. She's a wonderful Nanny and they miss her heaps. It was perfect arrangement pity can't be longer!

The change over was at Bowning Rollonin Cafe.  thanks aunty Bernie for coming half way. We love spending the afternoon with you!

Must get moving

Sitting..... Not often I get to do that lately.

Time for sitting was up 20 mins ago... Must get moving

Back at the hospital

So here we are again....I'm over this. So over it, its not funny. Trouble is I also know that we have nothing to complain about compared to others.

Drew doesn't have cancer. He has all his limbs. He can see - just - but he can see. He can hear and he's not mentally incapacitated....in fact to look at him you'd just think he was a bit tired. Worn down. He's not dying in the near future. But still we have all these minor crappy health issues that add up.

I'm over being hopeless. There's nothing we can do but I'm over that too.

Most importantly I'm so over feeling guilty!!! I cant be everything to everyone. I just can't. I can't fix drew's health and I can't be in more than one place at a time.

And I'm sorry I ask you to give me a helping hand my good friends - believe me I'm trying to spread that load but I just don't have enough friends to spread it out any further.

God. I think its time you forgave me and just started helping me out. Do it for all those who have been helping out. They deserve your love even if you think I don't.

The stress of it

Yesterday I was standing with butterflys churning enough to make butter in my belly watching Sam trial for under15s representative netball.

In the end she didnt do too badly...in fact I think she's in with a chance. Provided that is that politics stay out of it. Hard for that though. Politics rule some, if not all, kids sporting clubs from our experience. Which sucks!! It shouldn't matter who you are or how good you play your choosen sport as a kid - after all there are no sheep stations to win - kids should not be discriminated against or be unfairly judged simply because they (or you as the parent) are not in the 'in' crowd!

A grown up dinner for teenagers

So here I am completly out of place having dinner with my beautiful teenage daughter and her friends... Why I hear you ask have I crashed such an affair.  particularly it being her first.

Its not by choice. I fact I really didnt want to come but she was so adamant that she wanted me to come along.

Get this. She said she wanted her best friend to be there. How sweet! Personal I think she needed her security blanket which I'm ok with too.

I'm so lucky to have this type of relationship with my daughter. Hopefully we can keep it forever more.

At work.

You know its bad when you're finally back at work after weeks of leave and you just don't want to be there.

Of course half the problem is I really should be at home caring for my hubby rather than leaving it for my friends to do for me. Its never easy working fulltime with a family.. If only I could split myself in two to do both jobs so I'm not letting anyone down!

Think I need a holidays from my life....

Life throwing curveballs

Am at home for a few days as need to care for hubby who underwent operation to regain some vision.... I do like the slower pace of being at home but I worry that so much time off and so many home conflicting priorities will give a poor impression at work.

I asked for some home based work until things settle. Its hard because I've been working toward a promotion and now feel I'm a huge step back just when we as a family need it the most.

They don't seem keen on the home based option and instead sent me an expression of interest for the promotion. I have to put in for it as it will be used for all acting positions for the year.

Now I'm an enternal optimist and I not only hope that they choose me for this stint of acting in the higher paid role but that I can accept it cause hubby recovers much much quicker than originally anticipated... Which is possible given he's already started to regain some vision in one eye....

Given our history... No. I'm not going there. Ill stay with the optimist slant!

Surely life is out of curveballs by now!

Ok so wishful thinking has not gone do well and its not over yet...

Today I verbally stated that all the health issues of last year would be in the past and it was all going to be good.

If there was one thing I learnt in 2012, I've learnt that it is better to be positive..it makes things easier for one... However

Why is it that is just when things start to look up...they suddenly go down again??!

Today I started back at work... Great day. Good outcome in terms of gaining approval for post grad including 4 hours per week of work time for study purposes,  which was just an added bonus that I hadn't planned for. Excellent!!!

Even made up the flex I was in debit for....then I came home where hubby advised me he has had another bleed in his left eye...he first had problems with this eye in late 2011 and it led to us starting 2012 in a not very good health position where recovery of sight took months.

So anyway as he is currently recovering from a retina displacement operation for the right eye which basically had a similar issue late 2012 he is unable to see from his right eye...therefore the news that I came home too is that as of this afternoon he now has only very blured vision from both eyes...

He is miserable and I can't blame him. He is desperate to have good health and this is yet another set back.

Anyone know of any positives of becoming blind?  I can think of a few but I'm not convincing hubby.

Hopefully it clears tomorrow.

End of holidays

So here I am at the end of my holidays. Back to work tomorrow.
No more sleeping in, getting up  and taking my time to get going, trying to decide what to do - read a book or watch some telly. 

It will be - get up, shower, dress, eat, go!

I should try to add in - get on the treadmill... Maybe if I just do 10 minutes!

Out shopping

Shopping.....I never do understand the pull and attraction of walking around endlessly looking at anything and everything just for the entertainment value... I'm not a shopper.

IT Savvy!

Ok. So here I am. I have worked it out. I am blogging from my mobile phone...

random old unpublished post - Until now.

Random picture hey?

 I like this type of picture - you could come up with all sorts of things to say - i cant think of much at the moment but hey....



OK so Time is a Major Factor

Its interesting that I started this blog over the summer holidays and for a while was quite good at getting online and typing something  - granted nothing really interesting. Nothing I have typed here is all that interesting ... but then again that was not the goal.  - and here I am trying desperately hard to reinvigorate this activity and its the summer holidays!! Of course I think I can be excused for 2012. The summer holidays were disastrous in 2012. The last week of school, Sam (the second eldest or eldest which ever way you want to look at it), came off a horse and underwent some surgery to fix the gaping hole in her side... and then she had to rest up and keep off her fractured hip... basically that was the beginning... actually no it wasn't the beginning... if I remember correctly that was the third thing cause I remember saying "oh well that's three now so its the end of the bad times"..... how wrong was I!!  

Anyway my point is that it has occurred to me that I only tend to be able to add to this when i have time ...over the summer holidays...

I'll be working on that... just as  I've started working on taking time for myself. Now that the kids are older I feel able to get out and catch up with my friends without having to take the kids and they can fend for themselves ( and their little sister) for an hour. We're still in early days of this but I think I can make that work...

 If only I could make the Blogger app work too, that would help as getting onto a computer for this has also proved hard the last few days.... Clearly I have not yet met one of the original goals - to become more tech savvy.... I'll keep working on that on!

OMG Its 2013!!

Well, well, well... its been quite a while. 2012 was such a cr$%p year. Anything that could go wrong (almost) did go wrong. If i put it on here - I'd be here all night and quite frankly I couldn't be bothered. The main point is that 2012 is over and done with and its in the past. I am hoping to come back to this however also need to be practical and accept that taking on a post grad degree this year is probably enough already... anyway i hope to continue the blog - no one follows me or reads this anyway so its just for me. to write what i want and get it off my chest or outta my head. within reason - I'm very much aware of the vices of blogs and the internet in general. so in short i'll keep adding ( or plan too) but i'm not promising it to be interesting.